Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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