I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
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I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
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I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer