i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
