I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Randomize
