I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Randomize
