This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Randomize
