I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Randomize
