What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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