I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
