I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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