Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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