I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
