When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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