I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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