...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
