she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
