i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
