but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
