She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
