i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
