I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
