Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
