He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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