I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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