Sorry, I don't speak sober.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
