You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
