I'm eating all of the evidence.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I could fuck to npr.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
