You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
