i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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