a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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