dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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