Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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