I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
