so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Randomize
