I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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