He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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