You're earring is so big in my mouth
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
