it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
