My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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