We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
