All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
