You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
