It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Randomize
