I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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