There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
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