I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
