I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
