Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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