I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Randomize
