turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
