Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
