SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
