Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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