Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
