Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
