Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Randomize
