Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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