I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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