but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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