i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
