I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
